As I sat there at the table on my own, I was waiting for a moment of peace I was pondering my existence to be; What I could expect after I decease I took another sip from my cup of tea And my mind sank into the unknown…
The light in the room dimmed down As a shiver ran slowly down my spine And I felt the darkness coming near I breathed no longer but I felt just fine The cold parlour floor caressed my ear As I laid there in my morning gown…
This rhyme scheme you chose was unique and had an excellent flow and transition of thought without sparing meaning for the sake of rhymes.
There is a feeling of a well developed narration telling many details of a story with simply two stanzas. By extension that also says you have chosen each word to sentence carefully.
The vocabulary is very common and simple, not nebulous. It has strength.
Death is a complicated and mysterious topic which has made it one that has been burnt to the ground in many perspectives just like the topic of war. This is different though because your angle on it is not necessarily to prove any point and it doesn't even have to be death occurring in its interpretation.
The way you described her fall was good. A specific detail is in the second stanza when her ear 'caressed' the parlor floor. And '...a shiver ran slowly down my spine'.
Personally another positive aspect of this poem is by the fact that I wasn't fully aware of what was really happening until the last words. This was not like many other works I have read where my mind wanders or dies along the way when reading someone's writing.
There was hardly a weak point I could see in this. It has the feeling of a well skilled narration. I liked it.
What I had in mind was a woman sitting at the table in her living room early in the morning. I think she has been ill and she knows this will be her last morning but she's ready to die. I consciously didn't use any gender-descriptive words though so the poem could be interpreted freely. In fact, while writing it I placed myself in the scene a few times instead of the woman, to kind of "feel" if it makes sense regardless of gender.
Hm. You asked me to critique this poem, but after going over it several times and reading the points that have already been made, I don't think I have much more to add. That said, I do have some small things!
I'm curious as to why you decided to use so little punctuation in this piece. Stylistically, leaving it out can be effective, but in this particular poem there's no reason to avoid it as far as I can tell. That lone semicolon really stands out; does it need to stand out? Just something to think about.
Also, I agree with Know-It-Like-A-Poet: that description of the fall is gorgeous. My only note there is that you use the word "down" twice in two lines. There's nothing disastrously wrong about that, but if you can think of an alternative it may be wise to use one.
Those are my only real criticisms on this piece. Overall it's beautifully understated and very effective.
Thank you very much for the feedback. As for the lack of punctuation, I suppose it's an old habit of what I used to think poems were supposed to be. Now you mentioned it, the semicolon certainly stands out and I think I will punctuate the poem like I would a proper story.
The double 'down' didn't actually occur to me before but it's rather obtrusive to me now. Is there anything you would suggest to replace the second 'down'? 'Descends' sounds forced, doesn't it?
My pleasure. I think many of us suffer from what we 'learned' about poetry in high school.
I agree, "descends" isn't quite right in a poem with such bare vocabulary. My best suggestions are "through" or "along." Even though they sacrifice directionality, each of them fits the style of the poem and keeps the flow fairly well.
I thought 'along' would be perfect but when I tried it, it didn't seem right. Obviously 'down' is the best option linguistically but the repetition is really obtrusive. I will have to think about it, or just leave it as it is. What do you reckon is the better way to go? Contextually better language or structurally better flow?
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More